The Salad Theory

I have this theory that every woman gets served a man salad during her life. Depending on what you order it may be your common green, a chicken Caesar or something vegan. If you are lucky it will be one of those dishes that is labelled ‘salad’ to sound trendy but contains more heart distressing cheese and meats than a fondue at a butchery.

Like any meal, you can read the description but you will never know, until it arrives, exactly what it contains. It may say: “bits of crisp bacon and croutons with a scattering of avocado on a bed of iceberg lettuce”, but will probably translate as “browning avo marooned in withering lettuce with a possible sighting of bacon”. You can always complain to the chef, but who’s to say he won’t spit in your meal. Food, like romance, often sounds better than it is.

Each woman gets a salad. Each salad is different. More often than not, that salad is mostly lettuce (and in my case mostly within stretching distance of the compost heap), but every now and then you will come across a morsel than restores your faith in the chef.

We all have our own preferences but ultimately each of us is looking for that final bite that will be both satisfying and delicious. Some end up settling for something bland like cucumber or discover too late that the salad dressing was a bit off. In the most extreme cases, you may come across a worm that completely puts you off your meal.

However, no matter how bad it seems, there is always a chance that there is one tiny delicious mouthful lurking beneath the sea of mediocre greenery that seems to overwhelm your plate.

Like life, it just requires patience, perseverance and a bit of faith in the chef.

The rules of the salad theory:

  1. It’s rude to steal from another woman’s plate.
  2. But it’s a crime to take food from her fork.
  3. Coverting another woman’s meal is acceptable (IF and only it is a compliment), provided it does not lead the violation of rules 1 and/or 2.
  4. It’s never, despite the granting of social permission, acceptable to eat another woman’s leftovers.
  5. Lastly, and most importantly, chew your food slowly. It’s never good to rush a meal – unless it is a worm. You need to spit the little sucker out.

Finally, remember that like life, the world of romance requires patience, perception and a bit of faith in the chef.

Meet the ingredients:


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