The Salad Theory: Tomatoes


To put it simply tomatos are just cucumbers dressed up in red latex. They are bright and shiny on the outside but when you get to the middle they are just slightly more flavourful. They bring colour to your salad (because just green is just boring), but nothing goes beyond that first bite.

Tomatoes, therefore, work well in groups. Surround them with their feta and olive friends and they look attractive and enticing, but get one alone and you find it is a watery mess. Unfortunately, by the time you realise this your friend has probably already taken that buffalo mozzarella with the big biceps.

Tomatoes tend to be the setups. Your friend talks them up and they sound really good. The date, as they tend to go, starts off great until you get past the career discussion – suddenly you have to find something of substance to talk about and the conversation shrivels. I went on a speed date with a tomato and when I asked him who his favourite comedian is he went totally blank and it looked like he had no clue what I was talking about. I then reverted back to work commuting and he relaxed now that he was back on solid ground. He was an accountant. Just saying.

Now I am not saying that tomatoes aren’t great. I good Caprese salad is nothing without this delicious fruit*, but they are just not long-term dating material. You need something where the taste lingers. Tomatoes are a good experience for finding out who you are and what it is that you really want in your life. They are a good beginner ingredient – it’s why they are the base of a pizza.

Finally, tomatoes are quite prone to worms and suspicious blacks spots. The guy might seem normal on the outside until you find out that he likes to lie naked under a pile of Pokemon plushies or collects My Little Pony porn.

*I know, but deal with it.

If you missed them then find the rest of my theory here:

Part 1: The Salad Theory

Part 2: Lettuce

Part 3: Cucumber



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